Hello to all my I Am Sufficient family, friends and supporters, I’ve been off the grid since January and haven’t really been sharing much on I Am Sufficient, so I’d like to be open and honest with you about what has been going on with me and my mental health during these last couple of months. The goal is to normalize mental health by expressing our emotions and not feeling ashamed of how people view us. Our feelings are valid and that’s all that matters.
At the end of December 2020 I started a new job working from home and about 2 days in I started feeling sick. I just had a cold with sinus infection symptoms and then two days later my taste and smell was completely gone. I was freaking out because I knew that was one of the signs of Covid. That weekend I went out and got tested and the rapid test reported negative and so I waited a couple of days to find out the PCR test was also negative so I was relieved. I was starting to feel a lot better so I just figured it was a cold. A couple of days go by and I noticed my whole house had cold like symptoms... fast forward I went back to another clinic because my symptoms were back and getting worse. My body was aching, I had the chills with a low fever, I still had no taste and smell and I kept getting really bad headaches with mild chest pain. I tested positive and had no idea of the journey covid was about to take me on. 5 days later I was having really bad chest pains and found out that I had covid pneumonia, with the instructions from the doctor to make sure I’m sitting up every hour so the pneumonia doesn’t spread I was in so much pain... to only realize not only did I have covid pneumonia, I now had a PE ( pulmonary embolism ) which is a blood clot on the lung. So now I was being told don’t move around too much and don’t lift heavy things etc. I started taking blood thinners which started out as 2 shots in the stomach everyday and then I started a pill that gave me horrible side effects.. this landed me back in the hospital with a resting heart rate of 159, so I was exhausted, I felt like I just ran in multiple races every time I stood up lol. During my time of being in the urgent care almost every other night my mental health was decreasing due to isolation and fear of the unknown. It was going down so much that I just wanted to cut all of my hair off, out of anger, sadness and confusion as to why I was going through all of this to start the New Year off. I didn’t even know who I was anymore and I don’t want to talk about it... and with everything going on I couldnt even find ways to focus on my mental health. I felt horrible I was tired of being in the hospital, I was tired of all the needles and the doctors. It was a lot, especially the isolation of being in the hospital alone, the isolation was cruel but it gave me time to reflect on how grateful I was to have my phone blowing up with friends and family who cared and were concerned about how I was doing. I remember my mom coming into my bedroom during one of my worst days and asking me how I’m doing an I couldn’t even talk, I just remember one tear falling out of my eye and I went back to sleep lol. There were some nights I didn’t even know if I was going to wake up the next morning but I would tell myself covid is not going to be what kills me and I managed to pull through by the Grace of God.
I spent my birthday in urgent care and after that the only way I could express how I felt was to cut my hair off. Yes, I chopped a huge chunk of my hair off and I’m paying for it now lol. I refused to fall into a depression or sit around crying about how I really felt, so chopping off my hair felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I ended up back in the hospital for a blood tranquil and an iron transfusion after losing so much blood on the blood thinner during a month long cycle and after that I was really over everything. To know that this was all from Covid was ridiculous. I then understood what people meant when they said it just does something to your body. I haven’t physically felt right since and I’m still very winded at times but I’m here to tell you that in your darkest times it’s ok if all you do is stay alive.
No matter how you fight, don’t give up and stay alive. I spoke to my mind everyday. I said I’m not going to be depressed, I’m not going to feel alone and I’m not going to cry. I’m a survivor and that’s what’s survivors do, we survive.. There were days where I couldn’t move from the spot I woke up in, but I didn’t let anything bring me back to the place I was years ago. My support system was great. My pastors and church lifted me in prayers and God handled the rest. My condolences go out to anyone who has lost someone due to covid and in this pandemic. To those who are fighting stay strong and remember to prioritize your mental health because mental health affects your physical health.
With love,
Mykaylah
